moon, there is lots of pitter patter outside my window tonight, but that fall air still lingers.
so much i had to get a jacket out of the truck.
loves.
yours truly,
bliss
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
2 steps forward, 3 steps back.
the drunk call. yep, we all do it.
so paco called me tonight all randomly. of course as inquisitive as fuck, but i stood my ground. i was all casual and tried to act like i didn't care that he was calling. but of course i did.
and of course i made a mess and called him back. drunk.
accusing him of hanging out with his loyal band of facebook whores as i call him (the 18 year olds that worship him online).
i'm so stupid. the ball was in my court and now its not.
fuck.
well then i made a bigger mess and texted him saying sorry. wow. really ash? i need therapy i swear.
well i already made a huge mess, don't need to make a bigger one, back to ignoring him for a few days.
so paco called me tonight all randomly. of course as inquisitive as fuck, but i stood my ground. i was all casual and tried to act like i didn't care that he was calling. but of course i did.
and of course i made a mess and called him back. drunk.
accusing him of hanging out with his loyal band of facebook whores as i call him (the 18 year olds that worship him online).
i'm so stupid. the ball was in my court and now its not.
fuck.
well then i made a bigger mess and texted him saying sorry. wow. really ash? i need therapy i swear.
well i already made a huge mess, don't need to make a bigger one, back to ignoring him for a few days.
older.
mostly i sit here wondering where time went.
but i realized as i sit here in my eclectic living room with my hippie montage of albums and nicknacks and elephants, insense etc, i know now that i should have been in my 20's in the 90's. the music, the clothes, well maybe not so much the clothes, but the lifestyle is totally me.
i sit here listening to my 90's grunge station on pandora and it me. all of my favorite bands are from the 90's and are the music that started that grungy dark rock, depressing and fills my soul with that nostalgic feeling that i love so much, goes right along with that cool fall weather i love.
but i realized as i sit here in my eclectic living room with my hippie montage of albums and nicknacks and elephants, insense etc, i know now that i should have been in my 20's in the 90's. the music, the clothes, well maybe not so much the clothes, but the lifestyle is totally me.
i sit here listening to my 90's grunge station on pandora and it me. all of my favorite bands are from the 90's and are the music that started that grungy dark rock, depressing and fills my soul with that nostalgic feeling that i love so much, goes right along with that cool fall weather i love.
30 days.
30 days has september, april, june and november.
wow, where has the time went. this month is already half over. fall is my favorite time of year. as much as i don't want the time to fly by, i sure do love fall. the leaves changing, pumpkins :) haunted houses, and of course my fucking birthday!!
which we have already discussed.
and most of all, this has been a learning period for me. my rock, my sister has been in california for a month and a half and i clearly have been struggling without her.
we were in a huge fight for nearly 5 months, and missed out on so much of each others lives. and when she gets back, i feel like part of me will be whole again. i am so happy when she is around, she is my best friend. and i swear, knows me better than anyone in the whole world.
so not to wish this time away but i seriously can't wait til she is back and a little sanity is restored in my crazy world.
hey jealousy.
like the gin blossoms song, one of my favorite 90's bands, i find that jealously can consume one's life. what happens when you like someone that you shouldn't.
for example, one of my many tragedies of love. paco.
we met randomly in 2008 when i graduated college and was trying to break away from being your stereotypical sorority skank. i didn't want to be that college girl anymore, so i tried to stay away from my judgmental girlfriends and hung out with my little cousin arianne. and that's how i met lloyd and paco. sitting upstairs in a disgusting bedroom that hadn't been cleaned in years jamming out to the guitar, playing lovesick melodies that reeled me in and made me want more.
sure he didn't have the look. long hair, a ginger, sloppy clothes, all of which i ended up encouraging him to change, but for some reason he was an escape from the polo ridden guys i was used to.
but to cut to the point, we have had the longest love/hate relationship of anyone i know. first he likes me, then he dates someone else, then we are friends/cuddle buddies where he practically lives at my house, then we hate each other again, then i have a boyfriend and he is starving for my attention and now its back to the longing again. when he plays everlong on guitar it melts my heart.
but why!!??!!
for crying out loud i shouldn't like him!
he is supposed to be my best friend, and yet i can't help but feel all those feelings again, sending me right back to 2008. jealous of every girl that blows up his facebook, and texts his phone. i mean really?!
i can't stand it. sure i've tried to have distractions, but i can't get any good ones, and once i do they end up duds. guys that are not worth the time to even get drunk with.
so now i face this jealously first hand, eating at me when i'm lonely or drunk. i need jealously to go away. i need it to find a new home besides me and let me find some man candy to indulge in before i lose my mind!!
for example, one of my many tragedies of love. paco.
we met randomly in 2008 when i graduated college and was trying to break away from being your stereotypical sorority skank. i didn't want to be that college girl anymore, so i tried to stay away from my judgmental girlfriends and hung out with my little cousin arianne. and that's how i met lloyd and paco. sitting upstairs in a disgusting bedroom that hadn't been cleaned in years jamming out to the guitar, playing lovesick melodies that reeled me in and made me want more.
sure he didn't have the look. long hair, a ginger, sloppy clothes, all of which i ended up encouraging him to change, but for some reason he was an escape from the polo ridden guys i was used to.
but to cut to the point, we have had the longest love/hate relationship of anyone i know. first he likes me, then he dates someone else, then we are friends/cuddle buddies where he practically lives at my house, then we hate each other again, then i have a boyfriend and he is starving for my attention and now its back to the longing again. when he plays everlong on guitar it melts my heart.
but why!!??!!
for crying out loud i shouldn't like him!
he is supposed to be my best friend, and yet i can't help but feel all those feelings again, sending me right back to 2008. jealous of every girl that blows up his facebook, and texts his phone. i mean really?!
i can't stand it. sure i've tried to have distractions, but i can't get any good ones, and once i do they end up duds. guys that are not worth the time to even get drunk with.
so now i face this jealously first hand, eating at me when i'm lonely or drunk. i need jealously to go away. i need it to find a new home besides me and let me find some man candy to indulge in before i lose my mind!!
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